From getting by to thriving with a chronic illness

Living with a chronic illness has made it non-negotiable to follow that which gives me energy. There is something about being confronted with a truth; like illness and our mortality (yes, you will see my Buddhist influence here), that can be quite liberating. It’s like a whack in the face that suddenly clarifies exactly what is truly important. At least, that happened to me in my early twenties when I mysteriously got very sick and the whole life I had built came crumbling down. Initially, my response was less than pretty and a lot less accepting than I am now. Thoughts that would dominate my mind were; My early twenties should be about building my life and having fun. Why is this happening to me? How do I fix this ASAP?

I was forced to go inwards during this time. A turning point on my healing journey was on a day when I was particularly struggling. I felt such despair and thought there was no point in living if I could not engage with the world. I expressed this (with some dramatic flair) to my mom. After letting me feel it, she looked me in the eye and asked; Now what? Given your circumstances, what are you going to do?

It was a poignant shift for me as I realized I had a choice. Do I keep struggling against what is true and stay stuck, or do I accept my circumstances and move forward with my life? 

Somehow I experienced this mind shift like a veil had lifted. It was a much more empowered viewpoint. I was taking ownership of my life. Within my circumstances, I choose to still engage and relate to the world. Interestingly enough, I also got some of my energy back, as I was not going against the grain of life but with the stream; with that which was naturally occurring.

I have received so many gems from living with a chronic illness; living in more presence, the non-negotiability of doing what I love, but mostly learning to be where I am. There is nothing more painful than being in a place of grief, dissolving, letting go, and then feeling like you shouldn’t be there. The outside messaging is often; pick yourself up by your bootstraps and move on. And yet, what is the truly brave thing to do here? For me, it was allowing myself to be. Just like a caterpillar who cocoons and dissolves. If we can give ourselves permission to do that properly we may actually be able to re-arise as a butterfly. 

Photo by Dana Marshall at www.dmarshall.nl

Reflection questions:

Where in your life could you lean into what is true? What are your gems? What do you find most challenging? Please feel invited to share your thoughts and experiences with me, I would love to connect.